Yes, I know—it’s that time of year again. Restaurants only accept bookings for tables for two, for 45-minute set menu seatings at five times the normal price. And if you’re unfortunate enough to end up in one, they force-feed you heart-themed crap that babies would spit up.
And none of us are entirely immune. Where I come from, this Valentine's thing is confined to people with whom you actually want to make the beast with two backs. Well, that and tiny kids who don’t know better and have to do it 'cause teacher says so, and even then I didn’t get a card... but I digress.
There are those who believe that the whole love angle was invented by Geoffrey Chaucer in 14th-century England. Nonsense. As any fool knows, Valentine's Day was invented by Hallmark in order to sell cards to grandmas. We've heard it all before.
But, for those who insist on using this day to ingratiate themselves with others, then try my tailored gift guide, broken down by realistic category, below. And if you must gift something beyond flowers or a string quartet, my picks are in the slideshow above.
JUST FRIENDS (singles)
Stop it at once. Can we not just adopt the English version and confine our Valentine's Day activities to those with whom we want to do the monkey dance, and to little kids who we want to embarrass? Thanks.
SWIPE RIGHT (casual hook-up)
Booze. Cards. Flowers. Get 'em the usual detritus of casual romance. If you’re of this Swipe Right persuasion, then simply use Valentine's Day to satisfy your animal lusts. Think no more of it than a convenient tissue to be cast aside after used.
STICKING (future bae)
Now it gets interesting. I find the massive overdelivery—but completely anonymous approach—ideal. Arrange flowers, mix tapes, posh champers, a string quartet, gospel choir, etc., but crucially don’t sign anything (including the credit card receipts). That way, you can assess the success before taking credit/avoiding blame. Her: “Christ Almighty, some stalker sent me a solid gold pair of handcuffs, I’m calling the cops.” You: “Shocking. Did you like my unobtrusive, simple card?”
YOUR DEFAULT PLUS ONE (dating)
So this is technically The One. As such, the first thing you do is assess their level of interest. Ideally they will feel just like you in that having a super lovely dinner and a night of passion is a nightly opportunity and not something that the ancient Catholic Church should be dictating once a year. Do it now, and tomorrow, and every other night after that. If, however, they expect some kind of pink-themed night of commercialism, perhaps you should be considering your options. Just sayin’.
YOUR RENT'S OTHER HALF (live-in s.o.)
Guess what bucko, you’re in, whether you like it or not. So go for minimally invasive damage limitation. A card certainly, a bottle of something decent, and maybe even a home-cooked dinner. And you know what else you could do? How about you clean up your crap, and for once let them know you love them with your actions—not your drunken Saturday night advances. Just sayin’ (again).
YOUR BABY DADDY/MAMA (married w/ kids or something)
See above re: clear up your crap. If you’re the parent of a kid, then help them make a card for Mummy or Daddy. It’s all they really want.
GRANDMA OR OTHER FAMILY MEMBER (someone you'd rather not see naked)
Stop it. Just stop. Please.
The thing is, choosing one day a year to be amorous, to show someone how much you love them, to be romantic, is stupid. Be romantic every day. I
And none of us are entirely immune. Where I come from, this Valentine's thing is confined to people with whom you actually want to make the beast with two backs. Well, that and tiny kids who don’t know better and have to do it 'cause teacher says so, and even then I didn’t get a card... but I digress.
There are those who believe that the whole love angle was invented by Geoffrey Chaucer in 14th-century England. Nonsense. As any fool knows, Valentine's Day was invented by Hallmark in order to sell cards to grandmas. We've heard it all before.
But, for those who insist on using this day to ingratiate themselves with others, then try my tailored gift guide, broken down by realistic category, below. And if you must gift something beyond flowers or a string quartet, my picks are in the slideshow above.
JUST FRIENDS (singles)
Stop it at once. Can we not just adopt the English version and confine our Valentine's Day activities to those with whom we want to do the monkey dance, and to little kids who we want to embarrass? Thanks.
SWIPE RIGHT (casual hook-up)
Booze. Cards. Flowers. Get 'em the usual detritus of casual romance. If you’re of this Swipe Right persuasion, then simply use Valentine's Day to satisfy your animal lusts. Think no more of it than a convenient tissue to be cast aside after used.
STICKING (future bae)
Now it gets interesting. I find the massive overdelivery—but completely anonymous approach—ideal. Arrange flowers, mix tapes, posh champers, a string quartet, gospel choir, etc., but crucially don’t sign anything (including the credit card receipts). That way, you can assess the success before taking credit/avoiding blame. Her: “Christ Almighty, some stalker sent me a solid gold pair of handcuffs, I’m calling the cops.” You: “Shocking. Did you like my unobtrusive, simple card?”
YOUR DEFAULT PLUS ONE (dating)
So this is technically The One. As such, the first thing you do is assess their level of interest. Ideally they will feel just like you in that having a super lovely dinner and a night of passion is a nightly opportunity and not something that the ancient Catholic Church should be dictating once a year. Do it now, and tomorrow, and every other night after that. If, however, they expect some kind of pink-themed night of commercialism, perhaps you should be considering your options. Just sayin’.
YOUR RENT'S OTHER HALF (live-in s.o.)
Guess what bucko, you’re in, whether you like it or not. So go for minimally invasive damage limitation. A card certainly, a bottle of something decent, and maybe even a home-cooked dinner. And you know what else you could do? How about you clean up your crap, and for once let them know you love them with your actions—not your drunken Saturday night advances. Just sayin’ (again).
YOUR BABY DADDY/MAMA (married w/ kids or something)
See above re: clear up your crap. If you’re the parent of a kid, then help them make a card for Mummy or Daddy. It’s all they really want.
GRANDMA OR OTHER FAMILY MEMBER (someone you'd rather not see naked)
Stop it. Just stop. Please.
The thing is, choosing one day a year to be amorous, to show someone how much you love them, to be romantic, is stupid. Be romantic every day. I