Here at OC, we are struck by how often we end up in everyday conundrums. The ones that land you in the thick of semi (or full-blown) awkwardness, or maybe, the doghouse.
So, we turned to Simon Collins, the dean of the School of Fashion at Parsons. Collins recently penned a TOME that explores how and why people get to be so dang successful. To glean a bit of that for ourselves, we're launching the weekly series Simon Says, in which he lends tongue-in-cheek, Brit-bloke advice to pain-point questions and social entanglements.
So, we turned to Simon Collins, the dean of the School of Fashion at Parsons. Collins recently penned a TOME that explores how and why people get to be so dang successful. To glean a bit of that for ourselves, we're launching the weekly series Simon Says, in which he lends tongue-in-cheek, Brit-bloke advice to pain-point questions and social entanglements.
Q: If you really, truly think your girlfriend looks fat in those jeans, what do you say?
One of the 20th century's finest writers, Sir Kingsley Amis wrote—and I freely paraphrase since I can't be bothered to look it up—"In marriage you can be one of two things: right or happy." [Editor's Note: Amis also wrote, "If you can't annoy somebody, there is little point in writing."] The way forward is clear. As an honest and truthful soul, go on, tell her she looks fat in those jeans. Congratulate yourself that honesty is, after all, a virtue and you've simply told the truth as you see it. Now, sit back and enjoy your righteousness. Oh, and resign yourself to a lifetime of cold shoulder recrimination, critiques of your performance in everything, and quality time sleeping alone on the couch. And the knowledge that you upset someone you love to make yourself feel better.
So, back to Amis. For a question like this, you can end up with a fat lip, the cold shoulder, and a life of permanent penitence. Or you can be happy. I strongly advise the latter.
Q: It's wedding season! In the same circle of friends, is there etiquette for politely declining one wedding invitation for another?
Just as night follows day, you are going to upset someone. Best advice is show up a week early and then demand to know why you weren't told the date was changed. When they apologize (people getting married always want to be nice), you can say you forgive them, but you can't come to the real date because you already accepted something else. Though, do try to keep your lies simple as they will be much easier to remember. Or, you could go to none of them and cry yourself to sleep because you're only ever the bridesmaid and never the bride and no one loves you and you'll probably die alone and unloved. Or you could get a therapist—or a cat.
Actually, you should probably ask yourself which is most likely to yield one or more of the following: a decent Bordeaux, attractive bridesmaids or groomsmen, least agro for not showing up. Work it out on a napkin and have a few drinks before you text that you can't make it: this never fails. But, real friends will understand.
Simon Collins